This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
