Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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