we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
