I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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