jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
