this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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