Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
