so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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