You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
