i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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