So drunk its hurt
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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