I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
