Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
