I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
