I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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