i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
