how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
