you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
