note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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