Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
