I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
