Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
