I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
