@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
