Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
