we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
