I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
