Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
