Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
