There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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