At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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