My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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