I wish I only lived at night.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize