You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
