I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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