If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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