All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
