You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
