its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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