My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
God, I missed his penis.
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