i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
