Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
