Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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