I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
