hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
