Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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