is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
