I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
