Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
