I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
