I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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