Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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