the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
