I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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