batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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