Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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