I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
