I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
