So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
