So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
